I don't ever want to forget.

       These words will stick with me because I don’t ever want to forget.  The place I’m in right now in life is so nerve-wrecking, anxiety provoking, and stress inducing, and yet at the same time its exhilarating, faith-building, and full of God’s glorious wonders happening right before my eyes.  I feel as though I have been called to a position to counsel people who are in the midst of struggles, pain, and suffering.  I know my calling is to be used as God’s instrument to help others find truth, freedom, healing, and His all-surpassing love.  He has brought me to a venue where i can live out my purpose and shine His light into people’s lives, into the darkest places that no other power, person, or thing can touch.  These deep, painful holes that torture people day after day and keep them chained up bounded by their secrets, isolated in their brokenness, and lying on the floor curled up in a ball trying to hide from it; that darkness, it needs His light.  I have found so much joy and honor to sit with people, just like myself, and normalize the pain, the questions, the confusion, and help them find peace.  To discover one’s passion, one’s story, one’s purpose for all the pain they’ve kept inside burrowing deep within creating deeper holes that eat away at their being; well nothing is more liberating than finding meaning for it all.  I have the second best view as I watch along side the Lord and see what He is doing in another human being’s life.  His very hands at work, like a surgeon strategically and carefully cutting away at the old damaged pieces of us and reconstructing new, beautiful, healthy ones.  What a vision, what a miracle, what a job!  I will work anywhere He wants me, and as i do i know i will find fulfillment in it because thats His promise.  He will meet our every need.  He has and He does and He will.  

So, I find myself questioning and doubting His promise at times?  Why, must I give in to the world, give in to the temptation of worrying and obsessing on “the unknown”?  Well, this is because I’m human, I’m broken, I’m flawed.  I won’t always keep my eyes on Him, but I can try my best to.  I can give my best shot every day to live for my Father and follow His Will patiently and trustingly.  And when I don’t, when I become distracted, fall short, or backslide, thats okay, because He knows I’m imperfect AND He knows my heart.  He knows I want to know it all, have it all planned, and sometimes I try to control everything myself instead of surrendering to Him.  He knows that sometimes I get ahead of myself, that sometimes I think I know whats best for my life more than He does.  He laughs at myself with me.  He shows me that being human is difficult and He understands.  And all along He shows me compassion, love, and grace and leads me back to the straight and narrow..right back to Him, to the light.

This is my reminder, when I feel overwhelmed, burdened, and/or stressed, I will remember that He has a plan far greater than any plan I could create for my life.  I will remind myself that these moments where I am working for barely any income, that these were the times when I was closest to Him.  I find myself leaning further and further into Him daily because of the place I’m in.  I need Him, I need His direction, guidance, and comfort.  I need His assurance that He has my back.  I draw closer and closer to Him for strength, encouragement, and answers.  I pray on my knees for my clients, for my fellow employees, for our business, for my walk with the Lord, for my family, for my friends, for my future husband and his passions and purpose, and for myself that i never ever forget these tough times that show me how much I need God. 

Where Did The Paris Nights Go?

    I've been thinking lately, there is no doubt about it..I am insanely, truly, madly, deeply, passionately IN love. No, as a matter of fact, not as of late, but always. I always have this thought, "I am so in love with you", as I sit and think about him. I am constantly thanking the Lord for the gift He's given us in this relationship. Daily I think of ways to tell him, show him, and insure he knows and feels loved and valued by me. He has mastered every way to reveal his love for me and taught me by example how to reciprocate that. It is mind boggling that others around us, such as strangers, family, and friends see the way we 'love' and find it to be an extra special kind of love? "Special".."Yes", however isn't their significant other deemed just as special to them? "Extra?" That's the word that throws me. If you've been given a partner, someone to hold, cherish, love, someone to walk life with, laugh with, grow old with, and invest yourself into, don't you appreciate that gift above all else? Is your job more important, is your appearance, are your friends, or how much money you make all more important than that person who sticks by your side loving you through it all? The person who will be there when you loose your job, when you start to age and loose your "ideal" appearance, when friends break your trust or find families of their own, and when the money dries up and your left with empty pockets but a filled heart. Isnt that special person worth the "extra" effort? Imagine the kind of respect and relationship you'd have with each other if you spent more time showing that special "one" that you love, care, and appreciate them, just them. 

    No matter the ups and downs, distance, time that flies by, or how many days you've already loved on them and poured your heart into them, every bit of love you share is worth it. Every smile you create just by loving someone is priceless. What does is take to do something "extra" for the one who loves you more than anyone else. Whatever happened to warm summer nights draped in your man's arms spending time just being? What happend to flowers on your nightstand and a home cooked meal just because "I love you"? Whatever happened to holding hands past the "honeymoon phase" as if you are 16 year old kids giddy over each other? Because afterall, aren't we? "What would I do without you?". I want to hold you like I never want to let you go, kiss you like its our first and last, and look into your eyes and know I'm safe with my special guy who remembers to hold on for a moment longer and embrace each time we touch.

     If it weren't for my "extra special" guy, I don't know if I would remember how important it is to show love daily.  He is the secret to the sauce.  I never knew what it felt like to have a truly romantic night out in Paris before him.  He is someone who is definitely and most certainly full of love to give, and before him I would have never known I was the same.  I think maybe we all have this love bottled up deep inside and it's sitting there waiting to blossom into something beautiful.  If only we could reach down within and water those beautiful pieces of us so one summer night they could bloom and stay bloomed.  Its as though, each time we love, our bouquet [heart] is watered giving us even more love to give.  Now that I've learned of this love, I feel as though it is pouring out of me in every direction for all people, its up to them if they want to accept it or reject it. I am so thankful for the people in my life that receive love openly with grateful hearts and extend love out to others.  It all starts with a little seed that is planted and each encounter can either grow that seed or stunt it.  

    If you know anything about Jesus He IS love.  I believe we are called to love others through Him to show them Christ's love and thats exactly what Taylor does every day.  I know that the Lord used him to reach my heart and show me a different way then I was going.  I have no words to explain how amazing God's love is and how grateful I am that He revealed His love for me through such a special person. So, I suppose he is "extra special".  After all, the Lord is the core of our relationship, He is our center and any love that we have for each other is because of Him and Him alone.  We both know that Jesus is our rock, He is the foundation of "us".  Thus, we have learned to treat each other as a gift that God has given us to love and embrace.  Remembering everyday to see one another as an undeserved gift from God, creates what some would call an "extra special" kind of love.  

           Now then, you may see why, every night together feels like Paris.

Here now, making lemonade.

Hi self, this is for you.
    Happy birthday, another year of life has begun! In 24 years you're the happiest you've ever been, you know yourself more than you ever have, you find comfort in your own skin, and your finally standing in your feet right where you are. Welcome to the good life, the full life, the life not of this world but IN this world. You know yourself and there is no way you'd be where you are today at 24 without the struggles, leaps, heaps of crud and confusion, shipwrecks, and tiny tears, no, PUDDLES Gods allowed you to cry. 

    In the midst of those painful moments in childhood, adolescence, and young adulthood you were not only broken, but blind. You didn't understand, couldn't comprehend, or even fathom why a God, YOUR God, so loving and beautiful, would allow you to hurt the ways we often do walking through life. It took 20-something years for you to figure out your struggles, our brokenness, our imperfections, and insecurities bring us closer to our Father, YOUR Father. We find that we need Him. You NEED Him. You're not God, nor do you ever think you could be, but if we were perfect, if life was perfect, we wouldn't need God. You want to need Him. You know you can lean, trust, and depend on Him and you're safe. No matter the circumstances, trial, or storm, Tessa can be content knowing He has a bigger plan for her, one much better than she could ever dream up for herself. Its a matter of finding this in the midst of our sufferring and learning to s u r r e n d e r. Surrender, a term that is so often used, heard, and thrown out loosely, its meaning completely robbed from the original intent. To surrender, to let go, stop fighting, and die to your old self, release the reigns, admit to yourself that you are not completely in control of life; that you need Him to the very core, you recognize you were created with a place in your heart just for Him and nothing, NOT-A-THING can fill it except His love and presence.

   You find that He loves us so much that He allows us to hurt as He too hurts.  All the while,we are growing closer and closer to finding Him and the solid, intimate, real, and raw relationship with Him we all long for. At times it takes tragedies and afflictions to come to Him, FINALLY, for healing, for anything because we find ourselves so lost and so broken. Yet, he was there all along knocking gently at your door. It just took a thunderstorm, tornado, and tsunami to knock down that guard gate and cement barrier we'd built up for so long, we couldn't ever hear Him. 

   So here you are now Tess, and this time you know not to build up any walls. Your house is open, free, and peaceful and when life hands you lemons, you'll be making lemonade..with Jesus.

My One.

Since I was a little girl I dreamt of the woman I'd become when I was "old". I would sit in the sun playing house with my dolls, my real purse, real stroller, real checkbook (voided of course), and real keys to my moms real car. An "old soul trapped in a little girls body". That's what I've always said about myself. Since I was a babe I wished and longed for the days when I was "older", married, and having what little girls experience in fairy tales, what I play pretended with Barbie and Ken, what I was blessed to see between my parents in a 'real life love story'. I couldn't stop myself from trying to imagine what he'd look like. Dark hair, beautiful light eyes, a smile that could melt you to the floor with, you know, "the one", my one, my one and only. 

That's all I had, a blurry vision of what I dreamt up with my imagination and longing heart. But God had something better. Something great, someone perfectly crafted just for me and I for him. I couldn't have dreamt up the guy I needed, the one who could never take His place but could take THAT special place in my heart. The place I'd felt beating and racing FINALLY when I saw Him, the one, my one, my one and only. I felt a part of myself growing, maybe it was the place he filled within me, encouraging me to grow in ways I hadn't ever before. I know one thing is for certain, he became a light in my life, the brightest light. God knew what He was doing and how He'd use this man in my life to keep molding and shaping me to be this woman I was meant to become, the woman I was created to be for "Him" and for "him". So for 21 years He held out waiting for the perfect time to introduce this bright and brilliant light into my life. I was ready to change, ready to pursue my relationship with my Lord and savior and finally in the right place where I could be capable of knowing what it meant to have a healthy, mature, adult relationship with a man He knew I'd be serious about. That's when everything changed, I changed. 

The first moment I heard his voice on the phone I knew I felt a spark inside. It was as if there was a glitch in my internal self that kept going off and I couldn't stop it. I got the guts to finally meet him. I went shopping, got dolled up, and grabbed my best gal to be my best wing man. The entire drive from Malibu to Hollywood I gushed to my wing man about feeling something real, something different for this guy, an unknown face, only a comforting but distant voice that quickly became so close even through a phone call away. After 2 weeks of conversing via telephone, 35 minutes and 28 miles away, I was going to see him, to lock eyes, and possibly touch. The feelings rushing through me could only be described as a thousand fire flies dancing in my stomach as if they had consumed ten 5 hour energy drinks, EACH! The closer we got to Hollywood, the more I could feel my heart palpitate as if it was coming through my chest. My hands and feet went cold as I glanced in the mirror ready to be face to face with this one special person. No one else mattered in that moment, I kicked one foot out as my heel touched the asphalt, I saw him. 

Walking across the street to greet one another felt like time had slowed, almost as though it froze. I was experiencing each deep inhale I took, every heart beat, and the way the city smelled like cigarettes and the nights dew. Yet, all the thoughts I had pondered on for weeks, fled my mind..the only thought I had was, this guy is CUTE! And that's what I said. Our first words in person, staring eye to eye, the words I had dwelled on and wondered about for 14 days, "what would I say", those oh so special first words, those words, were "your cute!" !? WHAT WAS I THINKING! WHAT CAME OVER ME! But it was perfect, he embraced me, he giggled coyly and was completely and utterly flattered. We locked eyes and couldn't pull away from each other. He too thought I was "cute". I stared deeply, becoming so quickly lost in his beautiful light eyes, just as I had imagined, but better. His eyes were like Hawaiian seas, a bluish green, and deep with depth. "Dark hair, beautiful light eyes, a smile that could melt you to the floor with, you know, "the one" I had hazily dreamt up? This was him, but even better. I could see he was nervous too. We hugged and "WE" felt safe, the nerves fled and I new I had met my match, my one, my one and only. And that's exactly what he became, and still is, from the moment I said those two words, "YOU'RE CUTE", we couldn't and wouldn't ever be apart. The man I dreamt of, the husband I stayed awake and played house imagining being married to, the charmer my mom and dad wanted their little girl to find, the prince I prayed for, for countless nights: Taylor Holland Armstrong, you are him, My one, and my only.