Side by Side

He leaned over and gently let the postcard fall into my hand. I eagerly rushed to bring it to my eyes and see what was there. It read:

"I love you

In you hat...

I love you for your beautiful soul

I love you because you wake me up for church

I love you because its "Taylor Gang or Die"

I love you because your my soul mate

I love you because you put the music in my heart, you are the soundtrack to my day, I love you in every way!!".

(His words written on a blank church postcard, bordered with the script, "...encourage one another daily..." Hebrews 3:13)

It was one of those normal Sunday mornings where you can always find the two of us side by side, sitting in church. You know those sort of spontaneous thoughts that flood your mind and make you think about how wonderful that person is next to you? That moment when you turn and see them listening intently to the sermon and you realized how you love that stare and that brain that soaks up information like a sponge. This is how I picture what's going on inside his head when he thinks to himself, "I love her", "I love her because...","I should tell her".  Okay, so maybe just maybe it doesn't go the way this way, the way I dream it went or the way it suddenly pops up in my own mind and makes me feel giddy and eager to spill my guts to him.. HOWEVER, who cares what sparked the thought, his words simply fill my heart to the brim.

I know him well, so well that I know when he does special little things to reveal his love like this, he's doing it because he knows what it means to me, better yet, he knows how much it means to me. I've always heard people say, "its the thought that counts". And it really is. He must have thought, "I love her..and I should tell her because I know she'd love to hear it, and because she'd love to hear it, she'd be happy, and when she's happy, I'm happy because I love her". So, like I mentioned before, maybe his thoughts didn't go exactly this way but I think subconsciously there's a quick but detailed process that occurs and gives us an idea. And that idea is what's so special. 

I have been thinking, I wonder how long it would take for me to write every adoring reason I love him? Don't worry, you didn't get suckered into reading a 10 x 10 FOOT novel. I'm not going to write out every reason because at least 3/4's of the reasons I love him I could never put into words perfect enough or detailed enough to fully express what I truly feel. So I will simply share a few of the reasons why I love him today:

I love...

How you drool when you sleep, it gives off a very innocent look and reminds me of how you must have been as a little boy.

How you pull me close when we are both in REM sleep, I don't know how you do it or if its possible but you do.

How you ask to play with my hair...who asks to do someone a service? Its usually asked for. And I love it.

How in the morning you have no ability to be serious.

How you have a new adorable and silly name to call me every day, sometimes every hour.

How you always get food on your face.. or on your clothes. 

How you do things that I would normally think are disturbing or gross, but since its you, it just makes me giggle.

How your vocabulary is abnormal and ridiculous.

How you love music and love sharing it with others.

How you treat me sweet, every waking hour.

How you desire to always protect me and you always stand by my side.

Your HUGE heart for God.

Your BIG heart for your family, me, and my family.

Your COMPASSIONATE heart for others. 

How you are so kind and tender and sensitive.

How you listen and how you always give the right suggestions.

How you are encouraging and supportive no matter what my little butt is getting into.

How you make me smile all throughout the day with memories of you that you've left behind stored in my brain bank.

How you fill me with love and joy with texts all day long.

How you share your faith with others and especially with me.

How you love to pray with me morning and night.

How you take pride in bettering yourself daily.

How you are always so willing to work on yourself if you think there is something that needs change.

How you know your life's purpose.

How you care so much for me.

How you are attentive and gentle with me and my feelings.

How you know me SO well, more than anyone else.

How you can calm me, speak truth into me, and keep me grounded.

How you motivate me to better myself.

How you try to be healthy mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually one day at a time.

How you cherish every minute we spend together.

How you help me to not get ahead of myself.

How we share each others dreams and dream new ones up together on the daily.

How you aren't afraid to be honest, open, and transparent.

How you are vulnerable and intimate with me in the most purest form.

How you are considerate of myself and others more than I've ever experienced.

Your humor and your ability to always make my abs hurt with laughter.

How you are easy going and a go-with-the-flow-type-of-guy.

How you are understanding.

How you are courteous.

How you help others, at times even ahead of yourself.

How you are SUCH A LIGHT IN MY LIFE.

How you have shown me the greatest blessing and gift of love.

How you share everything with me, especially your life.

That you are my own personal angel that God sent, to spend our lives together, being voyagers, journeying side by side.

Thank you for the constant reminder every day that I open my devotional and see that postcard, I know your love, I appreciate our love, and I thank Jesus for this gift.

                                                          

Music Man

I have always loved music.  When I say love, I mean that I absolutely melt inside when I hear a good tune.  I don’t know how anyone else feels when they listen to a song but I know what happens to me.. when the melody first hits my ears, my stomach tightens, my neck grows a little bit longer, chills flood the entire surface of my body, and whatever mood i was previously in has changed to an entirely new experience.  I get in the groove and find myself sucked into the speakers.  Sometimes its the lyrics, other times its the drums, guitar, the song as a whole, or just the voice of the singer that reaches my core and sends shivers up my spine.  Because of my love for music I have been to my fair share of shows, from hardcore bands, no namers, to Janet Jackson to Brittany Spears. You name it, I’ve loved it all and listened to it all.  At some point my love for music extended into my love for singers.  Theres something about a man singing on stage in front of a room full of people that draws me in.  Possibly its the vulnerability in  exposing one’s voice that makes it so appealing.  Maybe its the fantasy or the character they turn into while performing.  Quite possibly its the courage it takes to belt out a tune, write your own song, and fearlessly share it with thousands of critics.  I don’t necessarily know what it is, but its a gift to listen to and its beautiful.

In college we once had a speaker come share on “how to find your match”.  I remember sitting in my seat, shivering cold, listening intently for something, at least one thing that could come out of this lady’s mouth that might possibly interest me.  To my surprise she shared something truly valuable. She told us to write a list. 

“This list will have three columns.  In each column you will be thinking about things that you value, things that are important to you, your family, and for your future.  You will be thinking about the man that will possess the qualities that you need and are searching for in partner, a lover, and a best friend.  In the first column I want you to write all the ‘things’ he HAS to have, no if, ands, or buts.  In the second column write in all the ‘things’ you would really really like him to have.  In the third column write in all of the ‘things’ you would absolutely love for him to have if you lived in a perfect world and could have every wish come true, but he doesn’t have to have these, it would just be extra nice if he did”.

The story the lady shared was so profound that i went straight home and wrote my list.  This list included every detail I could possibly think of for what I wanted in the person who would eventually become my husband one day.  The first column included things like, “he MUST be a believer in Jesus Christ, he MUST love my family, he MUST be close with his family and love them if they are still alive, he MUST be smart, he MUST be outgoing, he MUST like to have fun..etc etc”.  The second column included things like, “I would love it if he liked to exercise”, I would love if he enjoyed watching movies, I would love it if he was romantic, I would love it if he wants to have at least 3 kids, I would love it if he loves music, I would love it if he has good hygiene..etc etc”.  The third column listed things like, “It would be nice if he came from a big family also”, it would be nice if he plays sports, it would be nice if he enjoys food like i do, it would be nice if he was a singer..etc etc”.

Did you catch that?! I enjoy watching singers and listening to people make music enough so that I decided to add it to the list of my dream man.  Fast forward 2 years and I met my dream man.  He possessed every quality on my list of dreaminess, singer included.  In fact, he surpassed the list I created.  He showed me the man that God created for me, the man that I truly yearned for.  A man endowed with qualities I never knew I needed or ever wanted.  He helps me remember that God hold’s the plan for our lives and I see this every day when I look at my beloved music man.

When I can't hear you, its ME.

I know I have your promise that ‘your sheep will hear YOUR voice’.  I think the problem is, sometimes i feel like i am one of those sheep who is deaf to his Shepherd.  So many distractions and little things get in the way of me listening for You.  Sometimes my head and ears are overwhelmingly overflowing with doubt to the point that there is no room for hearing You.  I feel not only deaf but I go blind and suddenly I’m left wondering around completely vulnerable, an easy target for sin and temptation.  It’s such a silly place to be in because I know that I am the one that created this handicap.  You are always with me and have assured me you are present at all times.  So this feeling that I am all alone is me listening to doubt.  I go over and over it in my journal, “Lord, why cant I hear you”, “Jesus, help me to feel you, to see you, to believe and overcome any disbelief about you”, “fill me up with your holy spirit”, “open my heart to understand and receive what you’ve always offered me”.  All these words, but where is the action?  I can feel it only for so long before I finally get a kick in the ass and make myself FIGURE-IT-OUT.  I figure myself out.  

So what do I do?  I do something different then what I am currently doing that is NOT working.  I go back to the basics, back to the simplicity of having a relationship with Jesus.  I spend time with Him and carry out what I know He has taught me.  I open my bible and start listening again. I learn to be still again.  I learn to tune out the world and all of my tiny itty bitty distractions that had become giant blocks inhibiting my greatest relationship.  I learn to focus in on what is important by quieting my mind, my thoughts, and my emotions and concentrating on hearing God’s.  He speaks to us through the most beautiful and unexpected ways.  We all want the LOUD BOOMING VOICE OF GOD but sometimes it just doesn’t occur in the way we expect it to.  Some ways that I find he gets His message to me is through spontaneous thoughts, visions, feelings, and impressions.  It’s that thought that all the sudden pops up in your head when your driving and you think, “I need to pray for Molly”.  I believe it’s God telling me to pray.  It’s that spur-of-the-moment thought that lights up in our minds.  Another way he speaks to me is while listening to music.  If I am silent and I open myself up for unhibited flow, I feel Him speaking to me in an entirely different way, sending chills down my spine.  He also does this while I desperately close my eyes and pray, sharing all that’s buried deep within my heart and suddenly a vision emerges.  Sometimes a vision may come so easily that I am tempted to reject it and throw it aside thinking it is just me.  But it’s Jesus.  I see this through my writing.  I journal my prayers and see us having a conversation, him and I, back and forth.  What we experience on a daily basis is him speaking to us and teaching us through our circumstances.  He talks to us LOUD and clear.  His presence is everywhere and in everything, because He is always present with us, so how do we not see Him?  Well, like I struggle with, its me getting in the way of Him.

                                There is beauty in the breakdown of the treasure found in His voice.

I don't ever want to forget.

       These words will stick with me because I don’t ever want to forget.  The place I’m in right now in life is so nerve-wrecking, anxiety provoking, and stress inducing, and yet at the same time its exhilarating, faith-building, and full of God’s glorious wonders happening right before my eyes.  I feel as though I have been called to a position to counsel people who are in the midst of struggles, pain, and suffering.  I know my calling is to be used as God’s instrument to help others find truth, freedom, healing, and His all-surpassing love.  He has brought me to a venue where i can live out my purpose and shine His light into people’s lives, into the darkest places that no other power, person, or thing can touch.  These deep, painful holes that torture people day after day and keep them chained up bounded by their secrets, isolated in their brokenness, and lying on the floor curled up in a ball trying to hide from it; that darkness, it needs His light.  I have found so much joy and honor to sit with people, just like myself, and normalize the pain, the questions, the confusion, and help them find peace.  To discover one’s passion, one’s story, one’s purpose for all the pain they’ve kept inside burrowing deep within creating deeper holes that eat away at their being; well nothing is more liberating than finding meaning for it all.  I have the second best view as I watch along side the Lord and see what He is doing in another human being’s life.  His very hands at work, like a surgeon strategically and carefully cutting away at the old damaged pieces of us and reconstructing new, beautiful, healthy ones.  What a vision, what a miracle, what a job!  I will work anywhere He wants me, and as i do i know i will find fulfillment in it because thats His promise.  He will meet our every need.  He has and He does and He will.  

So, I find myself questioning and doubting His promise at times?  Why, must I give in to the world, give in to the temptation of worrying and obsessing on “the unknown”?  Well, this is because I’m human, I’m broken, I’m flawed.  I won’t always keep my eyes on Him, but I can try my best to.  I can give my best shot every day to live for my Father and follow His Will patiently and trustingly.  And when I don’t, when I become distracted, fall short, or backslide, thats okay, because He knows I’m imperfect AND He knows my heart.  He knows I want to know it all, have it all planned, and sometimes I try to control everything myself instead of surrendering to Him.  He knows that sometimes I get ahead of myself, that sometimes I think I know whats best for my life more than He does.  He laughs at myself with me.  He shows me that being human is difficult and He understands.  And all along He shows me compassion, love, and grace and leads me back to the straight and narrow..right back to Him, to the light.

This is my reminder, when I feel overwhelmed, burdened, and/or stressed, I will remember that He has a plan far greater than any plan I could create for my life.  I will remind myself that these moments where I am working for barely any income, that these were the times when I was closest to Him.  I find myself leaning further and further into Him daily because of the place I’m in.  I need Him, I need His direction, guidance, and comfort.  I need His assurance that He has my back.  I draw closer and closer to Him for strength, encouragement, and answers.  I pray on my knees for my clients, for my fellow employees, for our business, for my walk with the Lord, for my family, for my friends, for my future husband and his passions and purpose, and for myself that i never ever forget these tough times that show me how much I need God. 

Where Did The Paris Nights Go?

    I've been thinking lately, there is no doubt about it..I am insanely, truly, madly, deeply, passionately IN love. No, as a matter of fact, not as of late, but always. I always have this thought, "I am so in love with you", as I sit and think about him. I am constantly thanking the Lord for the gift He's given us in this relationship. Daily I think of ways to tell him, show him, and insure he knows and feels loved and valued by me. He has mastered every way to reveal his love for me and taught me by example how to reciprocate that. It is mind boggling that others around us, such as strangers, family, and friends see the way we 'love' and find it to be an extra special kind of love? "Special".."Yes", however isn't their significant other deemed just as special to them? "Extra?" That's the word that throws me. If you've been given a partner, someone to hold, cherish, love, someone to walk life with, laugh with, grow old with, and invest yourself into, don't you appreciate that gift above all else? Is your job more important, is your appearance, are your friends, or how much money you make all more important than that person who sticks by your side loving you through it all? The person who will be there when you loose your job, when you start to age and loose your "ideal" appearance, when friends break your trust or find families of their own, and when the money dries up and your left with empty pockets but a filled heart. Isnt that special person worth the "extra" effort? Imagine the kind of respect and relationship you'd have with each other if you spent more time showing that special "one" that you love, care, and appreciate them, just them. 

    No matter the ups and downs, distance, time that flies by, or how many days you've already loved on them and poured your heart into them, every bit of love you share is worth it. Every smile you create just by loving someone is priceless. What does is take to do something "extra" for the one who loves you more than anyone else. Whatever happened to warm summer nights draped in your man's arms spending time just being? What happend to flowers on your nightstand and a home cooked meal just because "I love you"? Whatever happened to holding hands past the "honeymoon phase" as if you are 16 year old kids giddy over each other? Because afterall, aren't we? "What would I do without you?". I want to hold you like I never want to let you go, kiss you like its our first and last, and look into your eyes and know I'm safe with my special guy who remembers to hold on for a moment longer and embrace each time we touch.

     If it weren't for my "extra special" guy, I don't know if I would remember how important it is to show love daily.  He is the secret to the sauce.  I never knew what it felt like to have a truly romantic night out in Paris before him.  He is someone who is definitely and most certainly full of love to give, and before him I would have never known I was the same.  I think maybe we all have this love bottled up deep inside and it's sitting there waiting to blossom into something beautiful.  If only we could reach down within and water those beautiful pieces of us so one summer night they could bloom and stay bloomed.  Its as though, each time we love, our bouquet [heart] is watered giving us even more love to give.  Now that I've learned of this love, I feel as though it is pouring out of me in every direction for all people, its up to them if they want to accept it or reject it. I am so thankful for the people in my life that receive love openly with grateful hearts and extend love out to others.  It all starts with a little seed that is planted and each encounter can either grow that seed or stunt it.  

    If you know anything about Jesus He IS love.  I believe we are called to love others through Him to show them Christ's love and thats exactly what Taylor does every day.  I know that the Lord used him to reach my heart and show me a different way then I was going.  I have no words to explain how amazing God's love is and how grateful I am that He revealed His love for me through such a special person. So, I suppose he is "extra special".  After all, the Lord is the core of our relationship, He is our center and any love that we have for each other is because of Him and Him alone.  We both know that Jesus is our rock, He is the foundation of "us".  Thus, we have learned to treat each other as a gift that God has given us to love and embrace.  Remembering everyday to see one another as an undeserved gift from God, creates what some would call an "extra special" kind of love.  

           Now then, you may see why, every night together feels like Paris.

Here now, making lemonade.

Hi self, this is for you.
    Happy birthday, another year of life has begun! In 24 years you're the happiest you've ever been, you know yourself more than you ever have, you find comfort in your own skin, and your finally standing in your feet right where you are. Welcome to the good life, the full life, the life not of this world but IN this world. You know yourself and there is no way you'd be where you are today at 24 without the struggles, leaps, heaps of crud and confusion, shipwrecks, and tiny tears, no, PUDDLES Gods allowed you to cry. 

    In the midst of those painful moments in childhood, adolescence, and young adulthood you were not only broken, but blind. You didn't understand, couldn't comprehend, or even fathom why a God, YOUR God, so loving and beautiful, would allow you to hurt the ways we often do walking through life. It took 20-something years for you to figure out your struggles, our brokenness, our imperfections, and insecurities bring us closer to our Father, YOUR Father. We find that we need Him. You NEED Him. You're not God, nor do you ever think you could be, but if we were perfect, if life was perfect, we wouldn't need God. You want to need Him. You know you can lean, trust, and depend on Him and you're safe. No matter the circumstances, trial, or storm, Tessa can be content knowing He has a bigger plan for her, one much better than she could ever dream up for herself. Its a matter of finding this in the midst of our sufferring and learning to s u r r e n d e r. Surrender, a term that is so often used, heard, and thrown out loosely, its meaning completely robbed from the original intent. To surrender, to let go, stop fighting, and die to your old self, release the reigns, admit to yourself that you are not completely in control of life; that you need Him to the very core, you recognize you were created with a place in your heart just for Him and nothing, NOT-A-THING can fill it except His love and presence.

   You find that He loves us so much that He allows us to hurt as He too hurts.  All the while,we are growing closer and closer to finding Him and the solid, intimate, real, and raw relationship with Him we all long for. At times it takes tragedies and afflictions to come to Him, FINALLY, for healing, for anything because we find ourselves so lost and so broken. Yet, he was there all along knocking gently at your door. It just took a thunderstorm, tornado, and tsunami to knock down that guard gate and cement barrier we'd built up for so long, we couldn't ever hear Him. 

   So here you are now Tess, and this time you know not to build up any walls. Your house is open, free, and peaceful and when life hands you lemons, you'll be making lemonade..with Jesus.

My One.

Since I was a little girl I dreamt of the woman I'd become when I was "old". I would sit in the sun playing house with my dolls, my real purse, real stroller, real checkbook (voided of course), and real keys to my moms real car. An "old soul trapped in a little girls body". That's what I've always said about myself. Since I was a babe I wished and longed for the days when I was "older", married, and having what little girls experience in fairy tales, what I play pretended with Barbie and Ken, what I was blessed to see between my parents in a 'real life love story'. I couldn't stop myself from trying to imagine what he'd look like. Dark hair, beautiful light eyes, a smile that could melt you to the floor with, you know, "the one", my one, my one and only. 

That's all I had, a blurry vision of what I dreamt up with my imagination and longing heart. But God had something better. Something great, someone perfectly crafted just for me and I for him. I couldn't have dreamt up the guy I needed, the one who could never take His place but could take THAT special place in my heart. The place I'd felt beating and racing FINALLY when I saw Him, the one, my one, my one and only. I felt a part of myself growing, maybe it was the place he filled within me, encouraging me to grow in ways I hadn't ever before. I know one thing is for certain, he became a light in my life, the brightest light. God knew what He was doing and how He'd use this man in my life to keep molding and shaping me to be this woman I was meant to become, the woman I was created to be for "Him" and for "him". So for 21 years He held out waiting for the perfect time to introduce this bright and brilliant light into my life. I was ready to change, ready to pursue my relationship with my Lord and savior and finally in the right place where I could be capable of knowing what it meant to have a healthy, mature, adult relationship with a man He knew I'd be serious about. That's when everything changed, I changed. 

The first moment I heard his voice on the phone I knew I felt a spark inside. It was as if there was a glitch in my internal self that kept going off and I couldn't stop it. I got the guts to finally meet him. I went shopping, got dolled up, and grabbed my best gal to be my best wing man. The entire drive from Malibu to Hollywood I gushed to my wing man about feeling something real, something different for this guy, an unknown face, only a comforting but distant voice that quickly became so close even through a phone call away. After 2 weeks of conversing via telephone, 35 minutes and 28 miles away, I was going to see him, to lock eyes, and possibly touch. The feelings rushing through me could only be described as a thousand fire flies dancing in my stomach as if they had consumed ten 5 hour energy drinks, EACH! The closer we got to Hollywood, the more I could feel my heart palpitate as if it was coming through my chest. My hands and feet went cold as I glanced in the mirror ready to be face to face with this one special person. No one else mattered in that moment, I kicked one foot out as my heel touched the asphalt, I saw him. 

Walking across the street to greet one another felt like time had slowed, almost as though it froze. I was experiencing each deep inhale I took, every heart beat, and the way the city smelled like cigarettes and the nights dew. Yet, all the thoughts I had pondered on for weeks, fled my mind..the only thought I had was, this guy is CUTE! And that's what I said. Our first words in person, staring eye to eye, the words I had dwelled on and wondered about for 14 days, "what would I say", those oh so special first words, those words, were "your cute!" !? WHAT WAS I THINKING! WHAT CAME OVER ME! But it was perfect, he embraced me, he giggled coyly and was completely and utterly flattered. We locked eyes and couldn't pull away from each other. He too thought I was "cute". I stared deeply, becoming so quickly lost in his beautiful light eyes, just as I had imagined, but better. His eyes were like Hawaiian seas, a bluish green, and deep with depth. "Dark hair, beautiful light eyes, a smile that could melt you to the floor with, you know, "the one" I had hazily dreamt up? This was him, but even better. I could see he was nervous too. We hugged and "WE" felt safe, the nerves fled and I new I had met my match, my one, my one and only. And that's exactly what he became, and still is, from the moment I said those two words, "YOU'RE CUTE", we couldn't and wouldn't ever be apart. The man I dreamt of, the husband I stayed awake and played house imagining being married to, the charmer my mom and dad wanted their little girl to find, the prince I prayed for, for countless nights: Taylor Holland Armstrong, you are him, My one, and my only.