Wait..do you hear Me?

Wait, My precious child I have great purpose for you, only good for your life pours out of Me. How can I show you any more than I already have to trust in Me? I have always been here with you and yet at times you push away and then shout out to Me in a desperate screech, "Where are you Father"?! Why do you do this to yourself? Fall into My arms and let Me catch you like each grain of sand caught in the power of a wave. I am in control, stop fighting, let go, release the pseudo power the world convinces you, you have. You don't. I will show you. If I have to bring you back in close to me, I will. I will hurt as you hurt, as you painfully struggle to do things on your own, your way. It won't work. I won't allow it, because you are Mine, My creation, My child, and you need Me. 

I never let you go but I will give you freedom to pull away. My light follows you hoping to save you from the darkness that fights to consume you. I'll always knock ever so gently on the door to your heart, creating openings for you to hear Me, see Me, want Me. I whisper in your tiny, closed off ears. My sound is found in the wind, in the sun, in the stars, in humanity, in the rain, in emotions, and in every form of creation you could dream of. Hear Me? If you don't, then unclog your heart of the venom that has slowly seeped in, hardening the soft place in you I created just for ME to fill. That is My home in you, nothing can fill it but Me. Don't allow yourself to be numb to Me, distracted, and unfocused. I can give you more with My love than any distraction, addiction, control, temporary fix, person, or thing in the world gives. Allow Me to hold you in my arms grasping you so perfectly so you may experience My everlasting, unconditional love, My grace that I give freely to you, and My peace that transcends all understanding. Accept Me, I'm revealing Myself, I always have, choose to trust My plan, receive My love and treasure it. 

I'm showing you, you don't need to plan your entire life, I already have. Walk with Me and each step will faithfully appear in front of your toes as you press down your foot in belief. Let you worries, your fears, your plans, and your concerns drift off into a cloud above you, and rest now, you are being taken care of. I have the answers, the peace, and your protection in My Mighty hands. Your will sends you in directions that lead you astray, it only takes longer for you to find your way back. Give it up. Picture yourself floating, so free, the chains filled with worry and the thorns full of fear are suddenly gone. Surrender. I always bring you back to the answer you discovered last time, S u r r e n d e r. Do you hear?

Fragile Security?

One of our basic needs as human beings is security.  Most of us will do almost anything to feel secure.  Security can be financial, physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual.  Think about it..whatever goals you have set out for in life, the underlying motivation for most aspirations is security.  Whether we want a big home or a fancy car, or simply basic needs that can fit into a small back pack, or one day having a big family, or even no kids, deep down within us is the need for our lives to not go to "crap".  Yes, everyone's idea of a "crappy" life is different, but we all long for security to have and keep the things we think we need and want.  

A lot of us are determined to find security.  Whatever it looks like or however we think we can get there.  For some this may come in the knowledge of having a place to call home, or having someone to care for them all the days of their life, loving them and committing to them for forever through "marriage".  The problem is, eventually our money, possessions, knowledge, and relationships fail or will be gone.  Houses can burn down, children drift away from their parents, marriages may fail, people pass away, and some may loose their jobs, generally far too many things are not in our control and can come along and wreck those things we once found all of our sense of "security" in.

We eventually learn to not place our security in things or in people.  Only God can give us lasting security.  What have you, yourself trust in for security?  And how long lasting is it?  How many times do we need to feel like everything is taken from us, like we are doomed to death without the one thing we thought we had security in?  When it is gone, stolen, and you feel robbed in life, then what? 

My answer is, it is there where we find Jesus.  He is our only constant.  He is our rock.  He never leaves our side, He is always with us.  We cannot say that about our parents, they will die one day and we will be left without them.  We cannot say that about our spouse, they too will pass away, let us down, hurt us, or leave us.  Our children grow up and move out and begin their own families.  We all age and lose our physical "beauty" that some us may use as our security, the one thing we've always had and always leaned on.  Money, cars, houses, clothes, pets, belongings..all can be taken away.  Jesus is still here.  He always is, and was.

"What he trusts in is fragile; what he relies on is a spider's web.  He leans on his web, but it gives way; he clings to it, but it does not hold up" - This scripture from the book of Job demonstrates a beautiful picture we can think back to in those moments when we question putting our trust, faith, and security in things, belongings, and in people.  This can be a reminder to look to God, the only One who is not too fragile to lean into.  

                                                       

To My Equal

A Dream in Reality

 Taylor, my boyfriend, can be quite the "dreamer" and I'd classify myself as the "realistic, grounded one". People often say, "He is weak where she is strong. And she is weak where he is strong". Even the bible preludes to the importance of this. 

My boyfriend dreams big and beautiful dreams! I dream small reaslitic day to day, "how am I going to get from A to B to C" type things. I like to get things done and check them off my list every day hour. He likes to work on a bigger scale, doing a little bit of this, a little bit of that each day towards all sorts of big dreams. You see, we are limited apart yet, extremely successful together. He dreams a big vivid dream and I sort out the details of 'step-by-step how to get there', realistically, one thing at a time. It works. We are able to accomplished far more together than on our own. If we don't team up, he spends hour after hour starting something and not finishing it. I, on the other hand, spend hour after hour getting things done but not moving outside of my comfortable little box called "routine", aka "SECURITY". So he gets me out of my box and I help him get organized. We learn from each other and now I can dream a little bigger and he can, well, no, I'd be kidding myself if I finished that sentence. He's still not organized. ( ; But he does try to be.  That is just one example of how great it is to have a compatible partner.

When God created man and woman, He created them to complement each other. He indicated this when He says in the bible, "It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make a helper suitable for him" (Genesis 2:18). God formed woman to round out man's incompleteness, so that physically, socially, emotionally, intellectually, and even spiritually, male and female would not be rivals, but mates...teammates.

It facinates me how God creates two people with the perfect balance. And by perfect I don't mean we are perfect all the time, but He allows just enough challenge to enter in and offer an opportunity for growth. You see, He knows those two people have the "perfect balance" of strengths to get through it together in those areas of weakness..with Jesus of course. It is the special combination of each other's weaknesses and strengths that creates equality and appreciation in a relationship. Recognizing you both need one another, two are greater than one. You become a team, working with each other, united, so when one falls, the other is there to help pick them up. This balance is unique especially in marriage when two become one. Two people are joined together, taking on all of the other persons "stuff"..meaning strengths, weaknesses, baggage, and all. This is important to consider and evaluate before taking the next step to be seriously committed to one another and to each other's "stuff" FOR LIFE. 

Taylor, I am one blessed babe to get to walk life with you and thank you for making me always feel like I'm the better half of this team. ( ; wink wink.

Best of The Hand

  We don't know the way life is going to go. We don't know the way this next hour, minute, or upcoming second will go. We cannot continue to believe that we are in control of our lives and everything that happens to us. There comes a point when we become aware that their must be something greater than us out there..a creator, who IS in control. We come to a place, when we are ready, where we learn to surrender. We recognize we are powerless and need to remind ourselves to "let go and let God". This is the moment we find freedom from our chains, whatever the chains may be that bind you personally.
There are a lot of problems with this place. There are too many people struggling with too many issues to count. We are aware that we live in a fallen world, leading to a divided nation, a torn apart community, a broken family, and a troubled soul lost in despair. Today my heart breaks for those who are battling addiction. Specifically drug and alcohol addiction. This is an issue I hold so close to me.

 My aching heart really began when I was 16 years old. I was just beginning to drive and hanging around people from other high schools. My eyes were open exposed to kids my own age, my peers, who were using drugs. My morals, my instincts, and my gut told me this wasn't right. Why were these "children" using? I found that most of them had inner termoil, pain deep within, haunting them, hurting them, and causing them to find any possible way to cope with what they were feeling. Their goal was..not to FEEL. To be numb to any pain that ever tormented them, or to be lost in a world other than reality.

 

One day I was so bothered and confused I opened an old journal and decided to write to God. I asked him every question I had weighing heavy on my heart.."Why are some people born into broken families, with fathers who are alcoholics, mothers that have abandoned them, abused them, neglected them, or babies born without limbs, with mental and physical disabilities..etc, etc, etc.. and others are born into homes with supportive parents, unconditional love, great examples, and fulfilling healthy relationships?". I didn't understand, I so badly wanted to. I came to a conclusion. I made a promise to my Lord:

 "I'm so thankful for the blessing you have provided me with, with my health and with my family. I know now in my heart I'm meant to do something with these gifts you've given me. I want to counsel and help others who are less fortunate and give back everything that I've been given, this is my promise to You". I didn't know what that meant or what that would look like.

  Fast forward 7 years and I'm an MFT, a therapist, or in other words, I am a counselor. So let's go back a few years...I gratuated the year after I wrote my promise to God in my journal. I was accepted into Pepperdine University and within 4 years I graduated with a BA in Sociology, not really knowing just yet what God had in store for me. In my last semester at Pepperdine I met the man of my dreams, you know the one I always blog about, my one, "my one and only". I shared with him what I felt that God wanted me to do, my purpose in life. I started applying to grad schools and was accepted at the California School of Psychology, Alliant University. I was scared, my brain was filled with doubt and fear but my boyfriend encouraged me, telling me, "Tess, you are meant to do this, you've told me you knew this is what God wanted for you since the day we met". I knew he was right and I knew it was right. We lived happily ever after. 

Okay, so I'm lying. This journey hasn't been all roses and daisies. I found that the man I was in love with, yep that one, was still struggling with addiction and hadn't fully received the recovery and healing he needed like I'd thought. I knew his past history of drug use, he was honest with me from the get go. He shared he was a 'recovering heroin addict who had been sober off of everything for a while'. I didn't know much about drugs at that point. I was naïve. Drinking went to abusing pills that he convinced himself were "harmless because if the Dr. Prescribed them then they must be, right?"  Wrong.  There was so much God was trying to teach me then.  Everything is different now but I'll save the story of how he found sobriety and a healthy life for another time.  For this particular share, my focus is on how Gods hand was at work all through out this story. 

  We don't know the cards that will be dealt to us but we can make the best of the hand we are given. I have a heart for people in need, Jesus gave me that heart, its a gift. He grew a curiosity in me leading me to college where I began my journey of studying people and their behavior. He then led this amazing man into my life whom had an addiction that I thought had been worked through, but hadn't completely. At that point He opened the door for me to study psychology and get my Masters. He knew I'd have an extra push and urge to help idividuals and families struggling if I myself was going through it first hand with my boyfriend and his family. Gods timing is perfect. We need to learn to trust Him and surrender. I learned I'm not in control of all that I thought I was. I too, am powerless over the effects of alcohol and drugs. I can't change anyone, they have to do the work themselves. I learned this and I live this. And now, because of Jesus' perfect plan, I get to share my story, experiences, and suggestions with others in counseling.

  God truly brings beauty from ashes. My boyfriend is sober and we are so happy together. We both aspire to help people in need, and the greatest part about it is, we get to do it in entirely different ways with the gifts God has given each of us AND together as a couple. I can look back at that dark cloud that hovered over trying to surround us, and I see how God's light was right above it, piercing through shining bright right onto us and into my heart. 

 I want to thank God for this journey thus far. I want to praise Him for the strength He gave Taylor and I to perservere and for carrying our relationship through the struggles we faced. I want to worship and sing on the top of my lungs, a love song that expresses how grateful I am for the life He has given us. I want to show Him I mean these words by using the gifts He graced me with and by helping people find the healing that Taylor and I found in our lives together and individually.
My hope in sharing any of this is that our story, Taylor's story, or my story will help one of you reading this. You may be hurting over a loved one's addiction, or you, yourself are battling substance abuse or some other painful issue..I pray for you to keep hope, faith, and trust in God. He has a plan for each of us, He knows what we need, and He has our best interest at heart. Walk with Him and accept the peace He brings, peace that transcends all understanding.

"For I know the plans I have for you, "declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future".- Jeremiah 29:11

Side by Side

He leaned over and gently let the postcard fall into my hand. I eagerly rushed to bring it to my eyes and see what was there. It read:

"I love you

In you hat...

I love you for your beautiful soul

I love you because you wake me up for church

I love you because its "Taylor Gang or Die"

I love you because your my soul mate

I love you because you put the music in my heart, you are the soundtrack to my day, I love you in every way!!".

(His words written on a blank church postcard, bordered with the script, "...encourage one another daily..." Hebrews 3:13)

It was one of those normal Sunday mornings where you can always find the two of us side by side, sitting in church. You know those sort of spontaneous thoughts that flood your mind and make you think about how wonderful that person is next to you? That moment when you turn and see them listening intently to the sermon and you realized how you love that stare and that brain that soaks up information like a sponge. This is how I picture what's going on inside his head when he thinks to himself, "I love her", "I love her because...","I should tell her".  Okay, so maybe just maybe it doesn't go the way this way, the way I dream it went or the way it suddenly pops up in my own mind and makes me feel giddy and eager to spill my guts to him.. HOWEVER, who cares what sparked the thought, his words simply fill my heart to the brim.

I know him well, so well that I know when he does special little things to reveal his love like this, he's doing it because he knows what it means to me, better yet, he knows how much it means to me. I've always heard people say, "its the thought that counts". And it really is. He must have thought, "I love her..and I should tell her because I know she'd love to hear it, and because she'd love to hear it, she'd be happy, and when she's happy, I'm happy because I love her". So, like I mentioned before, maybe his thoughts didn't go exactly this way but I think subconsciously there's a quick but detailed process that occurs and gives us an idea. And that idea is what's so special. 

I have been thinking, I wonder how long it would take for me to write every adoring reason I love him? Don't worry, you didn't get suckered into reading a 10 x 10 FOOT novel. I'm not going to write out every reason because at least 3/4's of the reasons I love him I could never put into words perfect enough or detailed enough to fully express what I truly feel. So I will simply share a few of the reasons why I love him today:

I love...

How you drool when you sleep, it gives off a very innocent look and reminds me of how you must have been as a little boy.

How you pull me close when we are both in REM sleep, I don't know how you do it or if its possible but you do.

How you ask to play with my hair...who asks to do someone a service? Its usually asked for. And I love it.

How in the morning you have no ability to be serious.

How you have a new adorable and silly name to call me every day, sometimes every hour.

How you always get food on your face.. or on your clothes. 

How you do things that I would normally think are disturbing or gross, but since its you, it just makes me giggle.

How your vocabulary is abnormal and ridiculous.

How you love music and love sharing it with others.

How you treat me sweet, every waking hour.

How you desire to always protect me and you always stand by my side.

Your HUGE heart for God.

Your BIG heart for your family, me, and my family.

Your COMPASSIONATE heart for others. 

How you are so kind and tender and sensitive.

How you listen and how you always give the right suggestions.

How you are encouraging and supportive no matter what my little butt is getting into.

How you make me smile all throughout the day with memories of you that you've left behind stored in my brain bank.

How you fill me with love and joy with texts all day long.

How you share your faith with others and especially with me.

How you love to pray with me morning and night.

How you take pride in bettering yourself daily.

How you are always so willing to work on yourself if you think there is something that needs change.

How you know your life's purpose.

How you care so much for me.

How you are attentive and gentle with me and my feelings.

How you know me SO well, more than anyone else.

How you can calm me, speak truth into me, and keep me grounded.

How you motivate me to better myself.

How you try to be healthy mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually one day at a time.

How you cherish every minute we spend together.

How you help me to not get ahead of myself.

How we share each others dreams and dream new ones up together on the daily.

How you aren't afraid to be honest, open, and transparent.

How you are vulnerable and intimate with me in the most purest form.

How you are considerate of myself and others more than I've ever experienced.

Your humor and your ability to always make my abs hurt with laughter.

How you are easy going and a go-with-the-flow-type-of-guy.

How you are understanding.

How you are courteous.

How you help others, at times even ahead of yourself.

How you are SUCH A LIGHT IN MY LIFE.

How you have shown me the greatest blessing and gift of love.

How you share everything with me, especially your life.

That you are my own personal angel that God sent, to spend our lives together, being voyagers, journeying side by side.

Thank you for the constant reminder every day that I open my devotional and see that postcard, I know your love, I appreciate our love, and I thank Jesus for this gift.

                                                          

Music Man

I have always loved music.  When I say love, I mean that I absolutely melt inside when I hear a good tune.  I don’t know how anyone else feels when they listen to a song but I know what happens to me.. when the melody first hits my ears, my stomach tightens, my neck grows a little bit longer, chills flood the entire surface of my body, and whatever mood i was previously in has changed to an entirely new experience.  I get in the groove and find myself sucked into the speakers.  Sometimes its the lyrics, other times its the drums, guitar, the song as a whole, or just the voice of the singer that reaches my core and sends shivers up my spine.  Because of my love for music I have been to my fair share of shows, from hardcore bands, no namers, to Janet Jackson to Brittany Spears. You name it, I’ve loved it all and listened to it all.  At some point my love for music extended into my love for singers.  Theres something about a man singing on stage in front of a room full of people that draws me in.  Possibly its the vulnerability in  exposing one’s voice that makes it so appealing.  Maybe its the fantasy or the character they turn into while performing.  Quite possibly its the courage it takes to belt out a tune, write your own song, and fearlessly share it with thousands of critics.  I don’t necessarily know what it is, but its a gift to listen to and its beautiful.

In college we once had a speaker come share on “how to find your match”.  I remember sitting in my seat, shivering cold, listening intently for something, at least one thing that could come out of this lady’s mouth that might possibly interest me.  To my surprise she shared something truly valuable. She told us to write a list. 

“This list will have three columns.  In each column you will be thinking about things that you value, things that are important to you, your family, and for your future.  You will be thinking about the man that will possess the qualities that you need and are searching for in partner, a lover, and a best friend.  In the first column I want you to write all the ‘things’ he HAS to have, no if, ands, or buts.  In the second column write in all the ‘things’ you would really really like him to have.  In the third column write in all of the ‘things’ you would absolutely love for him to have if you lived in a perfect world and could have every wish come true, but he doesn’t have to have these, it would just be extra nice if he did”.

The story the lady shared was so profound that i went straight home and wrote my list.  This list included every detail I could possibly think of for what I wanted in the person who would eventually become my husband one day.  The first column included things like, “he MUST be a believer in Jesus Christ, he MUST love my family, he MUST be close with his family and love them if they are still alive, he MUST be smart, he MUST be outgoing, he MUST like to have fun..etc etc”.  The second column included things like, “I would love it if he liked to exercise”, I would love if he enjoyed watching movies, I would love it if he was romantic, I would love it if he wants to have at least 3 kids, I would love it if he loves music, I would love it if he has good hygiene..etc etc”.  The third column listed things like, “It would be nice if he came from a big family also”, it would be nice if he plays sports, it would be nice if he enjoys food like i do, it would be nice if he was a singer..etc etc”.

Did you catch that?! I enjoy watching singers and listening to people make music enough so that I decided to add it to the list of my dream man.  Fast forward 2 years and I met my dream man.  He possessed every quality on my list of dreaminess, singer included.  In fact, he surpassed the list I created.  He showed me the man that God created for me, the man that I truly yearned for.  A man endowed with qualities I never knew I needed or ever wanted.  He helps me remember that God hold’s the plan for our lives and I see this every day when I look at my beloved music man.

When I can't hear you, its ME.

I know I have your promise that ‘your sheep will hear YOUR voice’.  I think the problem is, sometimes i feel like i am one of those sheep who is deaf to his Shepherd.  So many distractions and little things get in the way of me listening for You.  Sometimes my head and ears are overwhelmingly overflowing with doubt to the point that there is no room for hearing You.  I feel not only deaf but I go blind and suddenly I’m left wondering around completely vulnerable, an easy target for sin and temptation.  It’s such a silly place to be in because I know that I am the one that created this handicap.  You are always with me and have assured me you are present at all times.  So this feeling that I am all alone is me listening to doubt.  I go over and over it in my journal, “Lord, why cant I hear you”, “Jesus, help me to feel you, to see you, to believe and overcome any disbelief about you”, “fill me up with your holy spirit”, “open my heart to understand and receive what you’ve always offered me”.  All these words, but where is the action?  I can feel it only for so long before I finally get a kick in the ass and make myself FIGURE-IT-OUT.  I figure myself out.  

So what do I do?  I do something different then what I am currently doing that is NOT working.  I go back to the basics, back to the simplicity of having a relationship with Jesus.  I spend time with Him and carry out what I know He has taught me.  I open my bible and start listening again. I learn to be still again.  I learn to tune out the world and all of my tiny itty bitty distractions that had become giant blocks inhibiting my greatest relationship.  I learn to focus in on what is important by quieting my mind, my thoughts, and my emotions and concentrating on hearing God’s.  He speaks to us through the most beautiful and unexpected ways.  We all want the LOUD BOOMING VOICE OF GOD but sometimes it just doesn’t occur in the way we expect it to.  Some ways that I find he gets His message to me is through spontaneous thoughts, visions, feelings, and impressions.  It’s that thought that all the sudden pops up in your head when your driving and you think, “I need to pray for Molly”.  I believe it’s God telling me to pray.  It’s that spur-of-the-moment thought that lights up in our minds.  Another way he speaks to me is while listening to music.  If I am silent and I open myself up for unhibited flow, I feel Him speaking to me in an entirely different way, sending chills down my spine.  He also does this while I desperately close my eyes and pray, sharing all that’s buried deep within my heart and suddenly a vision emerges.  Sometimes a vision may come so easily that I am tempted to reject it and throw it aside thinking it is just me.  But it’s Jesus.  I see this through my writing.  I journal my prayers and see us having a conversation, him and I, back and forth.  What we experience on a daily basis is him speaking to us and teaching us through our circumstances.  He talks to us LOUD and clear.  His presence is everywhere and in everything, because He is always present with us, so how do we not see Him?  Well, like I struggle with, its me getting in the way of Him.

                                There is beauty in the breakdown of the treasure found in His voice.