We're Engaged!

For years we knew we had found our soul mate.  So when the day came that we would take that next step to plan a wedding, it was the best day of our lives to date.  I'm sure you've had a chance to look back and read the story of how God wove our paths together to finally meet, but here is the story of how my prince charming, my best friend, the love of my life planned out how he would ask me the biggest question of our lives: "Will you marry me.."?

Taylor and I love taking walks on the beach during the summer time.  We live in such a beautiful location in Southern California, we enjoy taking advantage of the warm weather and love to talk with each other one on one while getting in some fun exercise.  We have had countless conversations for years along the beach about our dreams, our goals, and our plans to spend our future with each other.  On April 22nd, 2012 we were going on our normal Sunday stroll but this time we brought along some lunch to picnic.  It was an overcast day and it was supposed to rain.  We decided we would give the beach a shot anyhow.  I didn't suspect anything because he hadn't been acting any differently at church or in the car on our way to the beach.  He even said, if "I wanted to we could stay inside and watch a movie since it might rain".  He completely through me off by appearing so nonchalant and as though he didn't have a plan.  You see, I am the most difficult person to try to surprise.  It's nearly impossible to get anything by me because I am a very curious person and extremely observant.  Well, he sure pulled it off.  

We landed a spot at Salt Creek beach in Dana Point on a grassy slope.  Taylor laid our blankets down while I held onto our lunch.  He was laying the second blanket down when I just barely sat down..  He was already on his knees and as he extended his right leg forward in "traditional proposal position", he simultaneously took a beautiful red wooden box out of his jacket pocket, "babe, you might want to stand up for this".  My stomach dropped.  I didn't know what to think.  I was in shock, and so happy and nervous all at once.  I had JUST barely sat down, as in, my butt had not even hit the ground, and here I am quickly popping back up like an overdone pop tart.  I leaned in ever-so-intently to listen to the next words that would leave his lips...those words that would change our entire future.  Before he could say anything though, out of my mouth came, "I'm gunna to throw up" , oh gooodnessss ...nervous babble.  Way to be romantic, right?  Couldn't I have said something else or just stayed quiet? Nope! Typical me, blurting out ever so comfortably everything that pops up in my mind.  I guess it makes for a better story. We aren't perfect, so our proposal should match that imperfection as well, or so I tell myself.   Back to the romance, I will never forget the look on Taylor's face, unlike the words he said.  I wish so badly I could remember every last word he said.   But I was so ecstatic and it was such a magical exciting moment that my brain froze.  I was in shock. Utterly surprized. Completely captivated by the moment and gazing into my      h u s b a n d s  eyes.  Yes, my husband. My forever.  Thank God I do remember the most important part, this part stuck with me, this part was thee best moment of all the moments in my life that I have ever experienced, "Tess, I want you to be my wife, will you marry me?". Gassssssp. "Yes!!!!! YES YES YES YES! Yes! Today tomorrow and forever. OF COURSE, with all the certainty I've ever known, yes!"  Okay, so I didn't say all of that...but I was thinking it and have every single day since.

Later in the evening Taylor repeated back to me those beautiful words he had said, so I could hold on to them forever and never forget, "You are my best friend, I love every moment we spend together, I want you in my life for the rest of my life, I want you to be my wife, will you marry me?"  I said "YES, OF COURSE" and jumped on him! After 5 minutes of tears, hugs, "i love you's", "is this real?!", and kisses...he said, "babe don't you want to put on the ring".  HE STILL HADN'T EVEN PUT THE RING ON! I jumped on him and was hugging him so tight, he had been patiently kneeling there down on the ground holding on to it waiting to slip it onto my finger.  So finally, I stood up and he slowly put the ring on, it was stunning!  This ring was so absolutely beautiful, it took my breathe away, and my words.  Which, is nearly i m p o s s i b l e.  Haha! He shared with me the meaning behind the ring, why he chose the diamond he chose and how a piece of this ring, our ring, will forever symbolize his Granny's legacy.  I couldn't feel more honored to accept this ring and wear it for the rest of our eternity together.  

Right away we sat back down and I rested my head on his chest, we prayed together for our future, embraced the moment of sitting there staring out into the ocean, and processing all that had just happened.  These moments I will remember for the rest of our lives.  That prayer will be eternally engraved into my inner most being.  He said with such new strength as the leader of this new home, "Lord, thank you for my fiance', thank you for this woman you've put in my life, thank you for where You've brought us today in our journey.  I pray for protection for our marriage and during this time of planning a wedding.  I pray that You would bless our union and our lives together.  We are so grateful for one another and thank You for the love only You give, Amen".   

We picked up the phone to call our families, take pictures, and went back home to get ready to go to a fabulous dinner party with all of our closest friends and family members at Tortilla Flats in Mission Viejo on the lake.   It was the perfect day.  I will never forget it.  I felt so special and so unbelievably happy that I get to spend the rest of my life with the man I am so madly and deeply in love with.  We are so grateful to our families and friends for their support and encouragement to take this next step in our journey together.  And we feel SOOO blessed the Lord has gifted us with each other!

Running Ahead

“Sprint. Go. Don’t stop, not even for a breath”.  Do you ever hear yourself telling you to keep going, going, going, full throttle?  You may think you know what you’re running toward or into, but do we really?  Only God knows what lies ahead of us.  Its like there are 2 roads, one road has some bumps, pot holes, oil spills, and may be quite narrow but theres is peace throughout the process of walking along it.  The other road, the second road, is full of massive obstacles such as bent over trees fallen to the ground, clouded with fog and darkness as the sun hides from us, gaping cracks in the road to keep us stuck, and sometimes even hitch hikers, you know, the scary one’s that carry a duffle bag with who knows what in it.  I don’t think we always know what road we are choosing. Sometimes we think we are headed in the right direction so we don’t stop and ask God for guidance or any assistance at all, whatsoever.  “I’ve got this one God”, we say boldly and confidently to ourselves.  Yet, we end up facing huge obstacles as we fight our way onto the road we thought was best. Once we have our mind focussed on the end goal, we push on and try to figure our  own way out of the quick sand that now consumes us, to get to where we think “we need to be”.  ...What about God?  Where is He in this master plan of ours?  

The first road, "the narrow peaceful road with some bumps along the way" seems like a better place for us to travel.  Yet, a lot of the time we don’t go that direction.  We forget that God knows whats best for us, and we lose sight of surrendering our lives over to His will and following His path.  You see, walking with Hiim isn’t always easy, or graceful, or struggle-free, but He promises us peace, strength, hope, and endurance along the way.  With the Lord at our side we can climb any mountain, endure any storm, and persevere with peace knowing He’s got us and his Holy Spirit is alive in us enabling us to do so.  

When we run ahead, we really only imagine ourselves ahead, in reality we are taking the longer route to where God is eventually going to get us to go.  I once read a story about a caterpillar who fought to be the greatest caterpillar in the world, but God had a different plan.  Once, the caterpillar gave up trying so hard to be something he wasn’t, he surrendered in the cocoon, gave up fighting, and became a beautiful butterfly.  At times, I find myself striving to stay on the ground with the rest of the crowd, doing what feels comfortable.  When I rest in God’s comforting hands I realize I’m not meant to crawl on the ground, I’m meant to soar.  Walk easy, gently, and peacefully.. where are you really rushing off to?  This year, let's pace ourselves, be patient, trusting, and never running ahead of God.  Make a conscious effort to avoid the road that looks shorter, the one that is so tempting to jump onto with both feet, the road enveloped with obstacles and never-ending twists and turns.  Close your eyes and ask God, "what's my next move?".

                                                        

"TWO roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;	5
Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,	10
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.	15
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference." -Robert Frost

Wait..do you hear Me?

Wait, My precious child I have great purpose for you, only good for your life pours out of Me. How can I show you any more than I already have to trust in Me? I have always been here with you and yet at times you push away and then shout out to Me in a desperate screech, "Where are you Father"?! Why do you do this to yourself? Fall into My arms and let Me catch you like each grain of sand caught in the power of a wave. I am in control, stop fighting, let go, release the pseudo power the world convinces you, you have. You don't. I will show you. If I have to bring you back in close to me, I will. I will hurt as you hurt, as you painfully struggle to do things on your own, your way. It won't work. I won't allow it, because you are Mine, My creation, My child, and you need Me. 

I never let you go but I will give you freedom to pull away. My light follows you hoping to save you from the darkness that fights to consume you. I'll always knock ever so gently on the door to your heart, creating openings for you to hear Me, see Me, want Me. I whisper in your tiny, closed off ears. My sound is found in the wind, in the sun, in the stars, in humanity, in the rain, in emotions, and in every form of creation you could dream of. Hear Me? If you don't, then unclog your heart of the venom that has slowly seeped in, hardening the soft place in you I created just for ME to fill. That is My home in you, nothing can fill it but Me. Don't allow yourself to be numb to Me, distracted, and unfocused. I can give you more with My love than any distraction, addiction, control, temporary fix, person, or thing in the world gives. Allow Me to hold you in my arms grasping you so perfectly so you may experience My everlasting, unconditional love, My grace that I give freely to you, and My peace that transcends all understanding. Accept Me, I'm revealing Myself, I always have, choose to trust My plan, receive My love and treasure it. 

I'm showing you, you don't need to plan your entire life, I already have. Walk with Me and each step will faithfully appear in front of your toes as you press down your foot in belief. Let you worries, your fears, your plans, and your concerns drift off into a cloud above you, and rest now, you are being taken care of. I have the answers, the peace, and your protection in My Mighty hands. Your will sends you in directions that lead you astray, it only takes longer for you to find your way back. Give it up. Picture yourself floating, so free, the chains filled with worry and the thorns full of fear are suddenly gone. Surrender. I always bring you back to the answer you discovered last time, S u r r e n d e r. Do you hear?

Fragile Security?

One of our basic needs as human beings is security.  Most of us will do almost anything to feel secure.  Security can be financial, physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual.  Think about it..whatever goals you have set out for in life, the underlying motivation for most aspirations is security.  Whether we want a big home or a fancy car, or simply basic needs that can fit into a small back pack, or one day having a big family, or even no kids, deep down within us is the need for our lives to not go to "crap".  Yes, everyone's idea of a "crappy" life is different, but we all long for security to have and keep the things we think we need and want.  

A lot of us are determined to find security.  Whatever it looks like or however we think we can get there.  For some this may come in the knowledge of having a place to call home, or having someone to care for them all the days of their life, loving them and committing to them for forever through "marriage".  The problem is, eventually our money, possessions, knowledge, and relationships fail or will be gone.  Houses can burn down, children drift away from their parents, marriages may fail, people pass away, and some may loose their jobs, generally far too many things are not in our control and can come along and wreck those things we once found all of our sense of "security" in.

We eventually learn to not place our security in things or in people.  Only God can give us lasting security.  What have you, yourself trust in for security?  And how long lasting is it?  How many times do we need to feel like everything is taken from us, like we are doomed to death without the one thing we thought we had security in?  When it is gone, stolen, and you feel robbed in life, then what? 

My answer is, it is there where we find Jesus.  He is our only constant.  He is our rock.  He never leaves our side, He is always with us.  We cannot say that about our parents, they will die one day and we will be left without them.  We cannot say that about our spouse, they too will pass away, let us down, hurt us, or leave us.  Our children grow up and move out and begin their own families.  We all age and lose our physical "beauty" that some us may use as our security, the one thing we've always had and always leaned on.  Money, cars, houses, clothes, pets, belongings..all can be taken away.  Jesus is still here.  He always is, and was.

"What he trusts in is fragile; what he relies on is a spider's web.  He leans on his web, but it gives way; he clings to it, but it does not hold up" - This scripture from the book of Job demonstrates a beautiful picture we can think back to in those moments when we question putting our trust, faith, and security in things, belongings, and in people.  This can be a reminder to look to God, the only One who is not too fragile to lean into.  

                                                       

To My Equal

A Dream in Reality

 Taylor, my boyfriend, can be quite the "dreamer" and I'd classify myself as the "realistic, grounded one". People often say, "He is weak where she is strong. And she is weak where he is strong". Even the bible preludes to the importance of this. 

My boyfriend dreams big and beautiful dreams! I dream small reaslitic day to day, "how am I going to get from A to B to C" type things. I like to get things done and check them off my list every day hour. He likes to work on a bigger scale, doing a little bit of this, a little bit of that each day towards all sorts of big dreams. You see, we are limited apart yet, extremely successful together. He dreams a big vivid dream and I sort out the details of 'step-by-step how to get there', realistically, one thing at a time. It works. We are able to accomplished far more together than on our own. If we don't team up, he spends hour after hour starting something and not finishing it. I, on the other hand, spend hour after hour getting things done but not moving outside of my comfortable little box called "routine", aka "SECURITY". So he gets me out of my box and I help him get organized. We learn from each other and now I can dream a little bigger and he can, well, no, I'd be kidding myself if I finished that sentence. He's still not organized. ( ; But he does try to be.  That is just one example of how great it is to have a compatible partner.

When God created man and woman, He created them to complement each other. He indicated this when He says in the bible, "It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make a helper suitable for him" (Genesis 2:18). God formed woman to round out man's incompleteness, so that physically, socially, emotionally, intellectually, and even spiritually, male and female would not be rivals, but mates...teammates.

It facinates me how God creates two people with the perfect balance. And by perfect I don't mean we are perfect all the time, but He allows just enough challenge to enter in and offer an opportunity for growth. You see, He knows those two people have the "perfect balance" of strengths to get through it together in those areas of weakness..with Jesus of course. It is the special combination of each other's weaknesses and strengths that creates equality and appreciation in a relationship. Recognizing you both need one another, two are greater than one. You become a team, working with each other, united, so when one falls, the other is there to help pick them up. This balance is unique especially in marriage when two become one. Two people are joined together, taking on all of the other persons "stuff"..meaning strengths, weaknesses, baggage, and all. This is important to consider and evaluate before taking the next step to be seriously committed to one another and to each other's "stuff" FOR LIFE. 

Taylor, I am one blessed babe to get to walk life with you and thank you for making me always feel like I'm the better half of this team. ( ; wink wink.

Best of The Hand

  We don't know the way life is going to go. We don't know the way this next hour, minute, or upcoming second will go. We cannot continue to believe that we are in control of our lives and everything that happens to us. There comes a point when we become aware that their must be something greater than us out there..a creator, who IS in control. We come to a place, when we are ready, where we learn to surrender. We recognize we are powerless and need to remind ourselves to "let go and let God". This is the moment we find freedom from our chains, whatever the chains may be that bind you personally.
There are a lot of problems with this place. There are too many people struggling with too many issues to count. We are aware that we live in a fallen world, leading to a divided nation, a torn apart community, a broken family, and a troubled soul lost in despair. Today my heart breaks for those who are battling addiction. Specifically drug and alcohol addiction. This is an issue I hold so close to me.

 My aching heart really began when I was 16 years old. I was just beginning to drive and hanging around people from other high schools. My eyes were open exposed to kids my own age, my peers, who were using drugs. My morals, my instincts, and my gut told me this wasn't right. Why were these "children" using? I found that most of them had inner termoil, pain deep within, haunting them, hurting them, and causing them to find any possible way to cope with what they were feeling. Their goal was..not to FEEL. To be numb to any pain that ever tormented them, or to be lost in a world other than reality.

 

One day I was so bothered and confused I opened an old journal and decided to write to God. I asked him every question I had weighing heavy on my heart.."Why are some people born into broken families, with fathers who are alcoholics, mothers that have abandoned them, abused them, neglected them, or babies born without limbs, with mental and physical disabilities..etc, etc, etc.. and others are born into homes with supportive parents, unconditional love, great examples, and fulfilling healthy relationships?". I didn't understand, I so badly wanted to. I came to a conclusion. I made a promise to my Lord:

 "I'm so thankful for the blessing you have provided me with, with my health and with my family. I know now in my heart I'm meant to do something with these gifts you've given me. I want to counsel and help others who are less fortunate and give back everything that I've been given, this is my promise to You". I didn't know what that meant or what that would look like.

  Fast forward 7 years and I'm an MFT, a therapist, or in other words, I am a counselor. So let's go back a few years...I gratuated the year after I wrote my promise to God in my journal. I was accepted into Pepperdine University and within 4 years I graduated with a BA in Sociology, not really knowing just yet what God had in store for me. In my last semester at Pepperdine I met the man of my dreams, you know the one I always blog about, my one, "my one and only". I shared with him what I felt that God wanted me to do, my purpose in life. I started applying to grad schools and was accepted at the California School of Psychology, Alliant University. I was scared, my brain was filled with doubt and fear but my boyfriend encouraged me, telling me, "Tess, you are meant to do this, you've told me you knew this is what God wanted for you since the day we met". I knew he was right and I knew it was right. We lived happily ever after. 

Okay, so I'm lying. This journey hasn't been all roses and daisies. I found that the man I was in love with, yep that one, was still struggling with addiction and hadn't fully received the recovery and healing he needed like I'd thought. I knew his past history of drug use, he was honest with me from the get go. He shared he was a 'recovering heroin addict who had been sober off of everything for a while'. I didn't know much about drugs at that point. I was naïve. Drinking went to abusing pills that he convinced himself were "harmless because if the Dr. Prescribed them then they must be, right?"  Wrong.  There was so much God was trying to teach me then.  Everything is different now but I'll save the story of how he found sobriety and a healthy life for another time.  For this particular share, my focus is on how Gods hand was at work all through out this story. 

  We don't know the cards that will be dealt to us but we can make the best of the hand we are given. I have a heart for people in need, Jesus gave me that heart, its a gift. He grew a curiosity in me leading me to college where I began my journey of studying people and their behavior. He then led this amazing man into my life whom had an addiction that I thought had been worked through, but hadn't completely. At that point He opened the door for me to study psychology and get my Masters. He knew I'd have an extra push and urge to help idividuals and families struggling if I myself was going through it first hand with my boyfriend and his family. Gods timing is perfect. We need to learn to trust Him and surrender. I learned I'm not in control of all that I thought I was. I too, am powerless over the effects of alcohol and drugs. I can't change anyone, they have to do the work themselves. I learned this and I live this. And now, because of Jesus' perfect plan, I get to share my story, experiences, and suggestions with others in counseling.

  God truly brings beauty from ashes. My boyfriend is sober and we are so happy together. We both aspire to help people in need, and the greatest part about it is, we get to do it in entirely different ways with the gifts God has given each of us AND together as a couple. I can look back at that dark cloud that hovered over trying to surround us, and I see how God's light was right above it, piercing through shining bright right onto us and into my heart. 

 I want to thank God for this journey thus far. I want to praise Him for the strength He gave Taylor and I to perservere and for carrying our relationship through the struggles we faced. I want to worship and sing on the top of my lungs, a love song that expresses how grateful I am for the life He has given us. I want to show Him I mean these words by using the gifts He graced me with and by helping people find the healing that Taylor and I found in our lives together and individually.
My hope in sharing any of this is that our story, Taylor's story, or my story will help one of you reading this. You may be hurting over a loved one's addiction, or you, yourself are battling substance abuse or some other painful issue..I pray for you to keep hope, faith, and trust in God. He has a plan for each of us, He knows what we need, and He has our best interest at heart. Walk with Him and accept the peace He brings, peace that transcends all understanding.

"For I know the plans I have for you, "declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future".- Jeremiah 29:11

Side by Side

He leaned over and gently let the postcard fall into my hand. I eagerly rushed to bring it to my eyes and see what was there. It read:

"I love you

In you hat...

I love you for your beautiful soul

I love you because you wake me up for church

I love you because its "Taylor Gang or Die"

I love you because your my soul mate

I love you because you put the music in my heart, you are the soundtrack to my day, I love you in every way!!".

(His words written on a blank church postcard, bordered with the script, "...encourage one another daily..." Hebrews 3:13)

It was one of those normal Sunday mornings where you can always find the two of us side by side, sitting in church. You know those sort of spontaneous thoughts that flood your mind and make you think about how wonderful that person is next to you? That moment when you turn and see them listening intently to the sermon and you realized how you love that stare and that brain that soaks up information like a sponge. This is how I picture what's going on inside his head when he thinks to himself, "I love her", "I love her because...","I should tell her".  Okay, so maybe just maybe it doesn't go the way this way, the way I dream it went or the way it suddenly pops up in my own mind and makes me feel giddy and eager to spill my guts to him.. HOWEVER, who cares what sparked the thought, his words simply fill my heart to the brim.

I know him well, so well that I know when he does special little things to reveal his love like this, he's doing it because he knows what it means to me, better yet, he knows how much it means to me. I've always heard people say, "its the thought that counts". And it really is. He must have thought, "I love her..and I should tell her because I know she'd love to hear it, and because she'd love to hear it, she'd be happy, and when she's happy, I'm happy because I love her". So, like I mentioned before, maybe his thoughts didn't go exactly this way but I think subconsciously there's a quick but detailed process that occurs and gives us an idea. And that idea is what's so special. 

I have been thinking, I wonder how long it would take for me to write every adoring reason I love him? Don't worry, you didn't get suckered into reading a 10 x 10 FOOT novel. I'm not going to write out every reason because at least 3/4's of the reasons I love him I could never put into words perfect enough or detailed enough to fully express what I truly feel. So I will simply share a few of the reasons why I love him today:

I love...

How you drool when you sleep, it gives off a very innocent look and reminds me of how you must have been as a little boy.

How you pull me close when we are both in REM sleep, I don't know how you do it or if its possible but you do.

How you ask to play with my hair...who asks to do someone a service? Its usually asked for. And I love it.

How in the morning you have no ability to be serious.

How you have a new adorable and silly name to call me every day, sometimes every hour.

How you always get food on your face.. or on your clothes. 

How you do things that I would normally think are disturbing or gross, but since its you, it just makes me giggle.

How your vocabulary is abnormal and ridiculous.

How you love music and love sharing it with others.

How you treat me sweet, every waking hour.

How you desire to always protect me and you always stand by my side.

Your HUGE heart for God.

Your BIG heart for your family, me, and my family.

Your COMPASSIONATE heart for others. 

How you are so kind and tender and sensitive.

How you listen and how you always give the right suggestions.

How you are encouraging and supportive no matter what my little butt is getting into.

How you make me smile all throughout the day with memories of you that you've left behind stored in my brain bank.

How you fill me with love and joy with texts all day long.

How you share your faith with others and especially with me.

How you love to pray with me morning and night.

How you take pride in bettering yourself daily.

How you are always so willing to work on yourself if you think there is something that needs change.

How you know your life's purpose.

How you care so much for me.

How you are attentive and gentle with me and my feelings.

How you know me SO well, more than anyone else.

How you can calm me, speak truth into me, and keep me grounded.

How you motivate me to better myself.

How you try to be healthy mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually one day at a time.

How you cherish every minute we spend together.

How you help me to not get ahead of myself.

How we share each others dreams and dream new ones up together on the daily.

How you aren't afraid to be honest, open, and transparent.

How you are vulnerable and intimate with me in the most purest form.

How you are considerate of myself and others more than I've ever experienced.

Your humor and your ability to always make my abs hurt with laughter.

How you are easy going and a go-with-the-flow-type-of-guy.

How you are understanding.

How you are courteous.

How you help others, at times even ahead of yourself.

How you are SUCH A LIGHT IN MY LIFE.

How you have shown me the greatest blessing and gift of love.

How you share everything with me, especially your life.

That you are my own personal angel that God sent, to spend our lives together, being voyagers, journeying side by side.

Thank you for the constant reminder every day that I open my devotional and see that postcard, I know your love, I appreciate our love, and I thank Jesus for this gift.